Divorce and separation

Divorce

A child needs extra support when their parents separate or go through a divorce. When there is conflict at home, early childhood educators can provide a safe space and a trusted person for the child and family to talk to.

EYLF learning outcomes

Within the Early Years Learning Framework (EYLF), educators can help children maintain a sense of belonging (2.1) and feel safe, secure, and supported (1.1).

How to support children

Dianne Loveday is a family dispute resolution practitioner in Victoria. As a specialist in family law mediation, she helps separating parents resolve their parenting and property disputes.

She suggests that early childhood educators are "mindful that young children going through a separation may struggle with their new life arrangements, especially if there is conflict with mum and dad or long periods of not seeing one parent. Being a stable, safe, and predictable adult in their life at this point is often very beneficial for the child."

Loveday lists ways for early childhood educators to support children whose parents are separating or going through divorce:

  • Provide a safe and supportive environment for the child.
  • Encourage the child to express their feelings and emotions.
  • Reassure the child that they are not to blame for the situation.
  • Communicate with the parents and offer resources to support their family.
  • Be aware of signs of distress in the child and offer appropriate support.

Learning provisions

Promote friendship and relaxation

Set up an enjoyable group experience, like a mini ball pit or a board game. Encourage the child to spend time with their closest friends. Promote fun, humour and laughter.

Also, ensure the child knows where they can go to be alone, like a play tent or book corner.

Strengthen routines

In the mornings, position staff in the same locations so the child can easily find someone they trust. During the day, arrange one-on-one time for the child to play with a familiar educator. At home time, check on the child to see how they are feeling.

Explore emotions

  • Explore emotions and storytelling through drama and role-play experiences.
  • Read books about emotions and or age-appropriate picture books about separation and divorce. 
  • Model emotional vocabulary by talking to the child about your own feelings: "I am feeling happy because we are having pasta for lunch."
  • Listen to children who express their own ideas, preferences and emotions. Respond with empathy and comfort children who are distressed. Help children find healthy ways to express negative emotions.
  • Offer children a variety of communication methods so they can easily convey their needs (e.g. flash cards or sign language).

Talking about divorce with children

Some children may not want to talk about their family's separation. Other children may ask their educators challenging questions. If a child asks what divorce is, Loveday recommends using age-appropriate language and keeping explanations simple and straightforward. She offers these tips:

  • Explain that sometimes parents stop living together and have to live in different places. If appropriate, reinforce the fun of having two homes.
  • Reassure the child that they are loved and will still be taken care of.
  • Let the child know that it's okay to feel sad or confused.
  • Encourage the child to talk to a trusted adult if they have questions or feelings they want to share.

Understanding courts and the law

"Early childhood educators would benefit from understanding what a Family Violence Intervention Order is and what are Consent or Court Orders," says Loveday. 

"Understanding these legal documents will help you understand what your obligations might be if presented with one. Check in with parents to ensure there are no issues with the safety of the child or either parent.

"Check that the access arrangements (who can pick the child up) for either parent haven’t changed and if there are any court orders you need to be aware of. It is important at this point to not take sides, because you are most likely only hearing one side of the story."

Resources

Picture books

These books for children about divorce have been recommended by Dianne Loveday:

  • Two Homes by Claire Masurel
  • My Super Single Mum by Bronwyn Fallens
  • Mum and Dad Glue by Kes Gray
  • When My Parents Forgot How to Be Friends by Jennifer Moore-Mallinos

Websites